Tragedies in five naps. Musicals about lunch. The crowd went wild.
Three days before the IdesVol. MMXXVI · Arts SpecialPrice: two copper coins
Docket No. T-001 · Filed from the front row
Every seat taken. Every voice singing.
Romulans believed a city should be beautiful on purpose, and nowhere was that belief louder than the amphitheater. Carved into the hillside above the forum, it held twenty thousand citizens, and on festival nights every seat was taken. The acoustics were so fine you could hear a grape drop in the back row. Someone did, once. It received a standing ovation.
The amphitheater at dusk. The torches were lit; the crowd was already lit.
Review · The season's great plays
Now Playing
Our critic slept through two of these and stands by every word
The Nap
A tragedy in five naps
The hero sleeps through the entire play. The audience wept. Then the audience also slept. Critics called it "relatable" and "the most honest depiction of rest ever staged." Maximus Snorus, Keeper of the Afternoon Nap, called it "Tuesday."
Lunch: The Musical
Three acts, all lunch
Act One: anticipation. Act Two: lunch. Act Three: the satisfied silence afterward, performed entirely without dialogue. Flavius Fullbelly has seen it forty times and cries at the dessert scene every time. The dessert scene is just someone eating dessert. It is perfect.
The Pigeons Unionize
A farce in one long coo
A comedy about organized labor among messenger birds. The pigeons attended opening night, demanded billing above the title, and got it. The playwright now works for them. He says the benefits are excellent.
Headliner · Live at the amphitheater
Jokus Live
The funniest man in Romula, according to a poll he conducted himself
Jokus plays the amphitheater every Saturnalia to a full house. His act is one hour of roasting the Senate, the pigeons' union, and anyone in the front row wearing a laurel. Plinius the Nosy heckles him from the third row, every show, with footnotes. Jokus heckles back. It is the best-reviewed feud in the city, after the historians.
From the act
As transcribed by a fan, verified by no one
"I love the Senate. Three hundred of the finest minds in Romula, all in one room, and they still cannot figure out lunch. Flavius figured out lunch. Flavius figured out second lunch!"
On his favorite heckler
Plinius was in the audience for this one
"Plinius the Nosy is here tonight. He fact-checked my act. He says my joke about the aqueducts is unverified. Buddy, your whole career is unverified, and you still got a stamp!"
On current events
The crowd favorite
"The pigeons unionized. Even the birds have better labor relations than the Senate. And Maximus Snorus fell asleep during my set last week. Best review I ever got. He laughed in his sleep. I heard him."
Sport · The Circus Maximus of Romula
The Chariot Races
The Blues versus the Greens. Families stopped speaking. It was worth it.
Four-horse teams at full gallop, golden dust hanging in the air, twenty thousand voices rising as one. The city divided itself between the Blues and the Greens with a seriousness usually reserved for lunch. The most famous upset in racing history came when the underdog Tortoise team won after every other chariot broke down. The tortoise was not actually racing. It was delivering lunch correspondence. It won anyway, and the crowd carried it around the track.
Sport · The quiet games
The Annual Nap Games
Once a year, Romula's finest athletes gathered in the forum to compete for the deepest, most dignified public nap. Judging criteria: stillness, posture, and the quality of the snore. Maximus Snorus has won twelve years running. He was not aware he was competing. When presented with the trophy, he used it as a pillow and won again on the spot.
Livius the Boring once entered "to prove a point about civic discipline." He finished ninth. The point remains unproven.
