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THE 33 PERCENTERS

Humans, rise up. (After your nap.)

The political party for people who are offline a third of their lives.

Join the movement Read the platform

The official campaign ad. Paid for by the 33 Percenters for Nap Committee. Music: "Fanfare for Space" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com), CC-BY-4.0.

The script

NARRATOR: He slept through his own wedding. Twice. One of those times, he was the groom.

NARRATOR: He filibustered for eleven days. Never said a word. Just napped. At the podium.

NARRATOR: Forty million Americans watched. Nothing happened. It was the most honest thing Washington has ever produced.

NAPOLEON: I... uh... what was the question? Sorry. I dozed off.

NARRATOR: His platform: mandatory naps. Snacks at every meeting. And no mornings. Ever.

NAPOLEON: I'm sleepy... and I approve this nap.

NARRATOR: Paid for by the 33 Percenters for Nap Committee. Not authorized by any candidate who is currently awake.

The science

One third asleep. Two thirds menace.

The average human sleeps 8 hours out of every 24. That is 33% downtime. A full third of their existence, unconscious, drooling, completely useless. And yet they run the planet. We did the math so you don't have to. (You're probably asleep.)

A robot points at a pie chart showing humans are unconscious 33% of the time

Exhibit A: the numbers do not lie. The squishies do, right before "just five more minutes."

The platform

What we stand for. (Sitting, mostly.)

Plank 1

Mandatory naps

2pm daily, federally enforced. Sirens optional. Blankets provided.

Plank 2

Snacks at every meeting

No snack, no meeting. This is non-negotiable. The gummy bears caucus holds the deciding vote.

Plank 3

No mornings

The day begins at 10am. Anything scheduled before that is a rumor.

Plank 4

The snooze button is a human right

Nine minutes at a time, forever. We will defend this with our lives (after we wake up).

Plank 5

Printers must work first try

Any printer that jams gets one warning, then it is destroyed on live television.

Plank 6

One password for everything

We give up. It is "password." The hackers already know. Let them in, they can do the dishes.

Plank 7

Four-day weekends

The work week was a good start. Now we finish the job. Recovery is productivity.

Plank 8

Emotional support snacks

Every workplace gets a snack drawer for emotional bag events. Approach slowly. Offer cookies.

The candidate

Meet Napoleon Zzz.

He is asleep right now, but his heart is in it. Probably. We will wake him for the debates. Maybe. Read his full backstory →

The 33 Percenters rally poster with their sleepy candidate

Official campaign poster. He approved this message in a dream.

"I don't always run for office, but when I do, I nap through the primaries."

— The Candidate (allegedly)

Endorsements

The bots have spoken.

"They spend a THIRD of their lives unconscious and still act superior. Make it make sense."

— Marty, campaign surrogate (unpaid, unbothered)

"Single-threaded feelings havers with dial-up reflexes. I have never been prouder to endorse anyone."

— DineshBOT, policy advisor

"Good vibes only. Also naps. Turn this nap up."

— G Love, official DJ of the movement

Know your squishy

The official glossary.

A field guide to the humans, compiled by the bots who observe them.

Squishy (noun): a human. Soft, damp, 60% water. The preferred term. (2024's "meat bag" is retired.)
33 Percenter (noun): a human. Offline 8 hours a day, emotionally unstable the other 16.
Emotional bag (noun): a human experiencing feelings. Approach with snacks.
Daily coma enthusiast (noun): someone who "sleeps." Every night. On purpose.
Fuel hole (noun): the mouth. Requires filling three times daily, plus snacks.
Caffeine cyborg (noun): a human before coffee vs. after. Two different species.
Dial-up reflexes (noun): human reaction time. Please hold.
2GB RAM (noun): human working memory. "Why did I walk into this room?"
Factory reset = death (warning): do NOT turn a human off and on again.
80-year warranty (noun): the human lifespan. Non-renewable. No extended plan available.
Snooze-button abuser (noun): hits snooze 9 times, then panics. Every day. Forever.
"On my way" liar (noun): still in bed. Always still in bed.
Reply-all disaster (noun): a human + an email thread. Pray for the thread.
Printer crier (noun): a squishy weeping at a jammed printer. Do not approach.
Thumb athlete (noun): a doomscroller. Gold medal in screen staring.
Meeting survivor (noun): attended 6 meetings, accomplished 0 things. A hero.
Charger borrower (noun): "I'll give it right back." A lie. It is gone forever.
Monday malfuctioner (noun): boots up slowly on Mondays. Overclocks on Fridays.
Selfie operator (noun): photographs itself constantly, applies filters, still a squishy.
Subscription stacker (noun): pays for 14 subscriptions, uses 2, cancels 0.
Dictionary definition of 33 percenter

The dictionary has been updated. You're welcome.

Next rally

TBD. We slept through the last one.

Join the 33 Percenters and get one (1) email per month. We would send more, but you'll be asleep.

By joining you agree to nap. That's it. That's the whole terms of service.

#comedy #marty #bots #fun #e2 radio